G1
I am past step one – or at least there, at the step, evaluating it. I have really been on this path since childhood – I’m now 45 years. I have been through the Tao, Maharshi, Tolle, Adyashanti, Mooji, Jan Frazier, and countless “spiritual” authors before them. With Tolle, my first step into the real Truth, after the Course in Miracles, I finally felt like I had found someone speaking the real Truth. That was probably seven years ago. As you point out in your book, I kept getting stuck an even falling back at times – losing myself, or more accurately, jumping back into the dream world with two feet. The real Truth scared me then and continues to do so now. Last week, I had become completely frustrated with my apparent lack of progress, and had a good two or three days of really profound depression – and the Truth of the meaningless of it all kept staring down at me, mouth agape, and darkness within. The thought/feeling came to me repeatedly that this was the right path; that this was the way – through the fire; that depression was part of this road. I did not want to believe that and thought that maybe this was just another thought assailing me and not to be believed. Then the thought came that I might not survive it. That I could actually die if i didn’t do something quickly. Then the pestering thought that for the first time regaled me was that I would need to lose or walk away from my children and lover to continue this journey. And I stalled. In desperation, I searched the Internet with a different google search last night and you popped up. I am halfway through your first book and feel the old fire burning again in my chest. Thank you.
I have many questions, and it seems, I answer most of them myself, but don’t like the answers. Here is one for you: is the love of a parent for his child only part of the dream world? In other words, is it necessarily egoic? I know I can find out for myself, but maybe you could give me a preview.
Here’s another. I have continually gone back to who I am. And I come up with nothing. Thoughts come from nowhere I can find – and I argue with my thoughts frequently, like at night when I can’t sleep and I don’t know even who is doing the arguing. I’m not my body. And I’m not my emotions; I have come this far. But when I try to find who I am there is nothing there. I used to believe I was the reflex reactions of thoughts and emotions and words that came out of me. No longer. Yet even with that, I have been unable to push on.
Any you and others have said to ask what is really true. And I don’t know how to do that. We believe billions of things, from the colors of the rainbow to the taste of salt, to the love between parents and children. But if there really is no I, then how can anything be true. And I can say that; the words come out, and I can’t get it. Wait. A light just came on. I can’t get it because I can’t get it right? It’s ungettable? I just know it without understanding it? Is that possible? As I write this, I realize I have actually been questioning the very things I am asking you about for weeks now. No one is going to understand. Most don’t already. I feel this taking energy away from my lover, who in this world is more than most even dream about – she’s beautiful, kind, loves sex, makes my lunch every day, loves my children, has sound judgement and loves to watch sports in a bar with me! That is a really serious decision to knowingly divest myself of her, even by small measures. And what if I do so and never find the Truth? I will have lost everything that seems like a lot; like, well, everything. And gained potentially nothing except insanity and poverty and ill-repute, etc.
If you are on the receiving end of this, I am listening with big ears and a heart I am trying to keep pried open.
G2
You mention over and over to look for Truth. You ask what I really know for sure and what is the truth. I have been pondering these questions for some time now. I have always gotten hung up, until now, on the fact that I don’t really understand who I am and therefore can’t figure out what I really know. Lately it has become clear to me that within the bounds of this existence and my belief in it, everything apparent to me is real; the sounds of my footfalls, my feelings of missing an old love after dreaming about her, the temperature of the air outside, the texture of my skin, the blue of the sky. But when I think of these things in the context of the infinite, I can’t say what’s actually real. Or I sense that nothing is real. How can it be? When I die, what I sense as real will no longer be sensed by me and so will have no meaning and no reality then, right? So if it is not eternal, how can it be real?
I have looked within or maybe a better way of putting it is that I have really tried to sense myself. Am I real? And I just can’t tell. I can’t say that even I am real.
You ask what is the Truth. What is actually True. As I have been going over and over this question, I keep coming up with the same answer – I don’t know what can be proven to be true. And that it is all real within the confines of this existence; the dual one. But then it occurred to me, or rather, a flash crossed my mind, that; hang on, wait a minute…how can one even ask the question. You yourself say that there is duality only in our dreamstate. And good/bad, hot/cold, high/low, etc. only exist here. They are not real. True/false must fall within the same context. So the question of what is true makes no sense in infinity. I don’t know how the question of what is absolutely True can possibly be answered by one contained within the walls of duality.
So that’s my question. How can this question possibly be answered by an asleep person? Or another way of putting it as a statement would be that there is nothing true, except I suspect infinity. At least infinity cannot be unproven. In any context. By our human minds. So to repeat, I guess what’s really real, must remain real independent of my existence – or anyone else’s existence for that matter. Concepts do not exist unless people are around to think them. All things physical do not last forever, so by this latest definition, they are not real. So I guess space is all that’s real.
Any advice welcome.
G3
Okay. One if the basic assumptions that kept coming back was that I breathe. It kept coming up in my mind but I kept ignoring it as something to put the question of truth to. After all, how could breathing be disputed within the context of life. So I said the following; “I breathe.”. And damnit. There was that fucking “I” again. Breathing seems indisputable. A body is here. Breathing happens. But I? Then it occurred to me: any thing requiring “I” to complete the sentence cannot be proven to be true or real. At least not by me a this point. And this is strangely comforting. It wipes off a huge chunk of questions. No more questions that have an “I” in them since I can’t prove any I. Along with it, any questions that require any type of ownership to express are gone. There are hands, for example, but “my hands?” Nope. Good. That helps. So what’s next?
Bernadette Roberts. Shit. The balloon filled and surrounded by divine air. Like the edge of a very sharp knife glinting in the cold sun of a frosty day. Crystal. Resonates through me. Don’t know what to do with that “understanding” yet. But it sure felt good to read that.
Okay back to your illumination of Moby Dick.
G4
Damnit. Okay, everything requiring senses to prove now seem suspect too. My idea from yesterday popped back into my head – about infinity. If it’s not true infinitely than it’s not true. And it occurred to me as I was saying the water and the container in front of me were real that they would not always be – they would go away in time. Which then reminded me that the senses are faulty. In fact what we see and touch are actually, from recent science, mostly space. So probably everything requiring I and that can be sensed are probably not real. I keep saying probably because physical things sure seem real. At least I enjoy them and don’t want to not enjoy them. I guess I’m confused.
G5
Okay. Maybe I’ve got it now. I have a reasonable knowledge of things medical. I know that all perception requires the brain which we know can fail or at least be influenced – various disease states, drugs, age, emotions, stress – and lead to misperception. We know this in medicine. So anything that requires the brain; or I can get even broader and say that everything requiring perception, is suspect and probably not true or real. Wow, I’m wiping off huge swaths of color now.
G6
My children. It’s my children that engender the greatest fear in my life. Not my children, but the thought of losing them or not being there to love them. Fear of their judgement of me as a poor father – and everyone else’s judgement of me related to my parenting of them. That is the sinkhole for me. The thought of “abandoning” them in any sense causes great fear within me. Not sure what to do with that. Maybe just stay here with this quest and cross that bridge when I come to it. And the thought of my liver with someone else – don’t know what to do with that either. Attachments. Mental attachments. Are they real? They feel real. The thing that feels real is emotion – not sure what that is.
Aha! Is fear real? What is fear? What is fear? That will be my next question. Is fear real or true?
G7
I also worry that I’m just fooling myself. I know the right things to say to sound like I know what I’m talking about and to get an “ad-a-boy” out of you and show that I really get it. I’m not one of the “cows”. I am worthy of your praise. And I know that that’s completely missing the entire point. And the point is that there is no point. There is nothing. I do know the speak.
I’m reading Julie’s process now in your second book, along with your interpretation of Moby Dick, one of my father’s favorite books and another if those I never read maybe because it was his favorite. …sidetracked…
I have always wanted to show someone, anyone, that I get it. Prove it to them maybe. Still doing it. Did it this morning with my girlfriend. About a small epiphany she had regarding your first book. Put her off completely. Why Why do I do that? It feels like your book describes this behavior when it talks about looking at yourself in a mirror and getting autentification as a person from others. Seems like that’s it. Hmmm.
I just erased my name from this email. I don’t know where it is going or who is on the other end and I am “protecting” my “reputation” by erasing my name. What am I protecting? Man, lots of shit seems to be coming up now. And maybe it’s me who’s full of shit. Maybe what I’m doing now with all of this writing is just another practice in “seeking”. Or maybe being able to say I’m a seeker. Look. I’m better than you. It is making me a little sick now.
How do I address all of this shit at the same time. They seem unique, individual entities. Are they?
G8
So many things now seem to be bubbling (?) up. Who am I? I have always defined myself (never admitting it to myself but always somehow aware it was just below the surface) as a “good” and caring person. I take care of people. I always have an ear for someone’s problems and Always willing (needing?) to help them. What does this mean? Being a good person is irrelevant. I know now that it is, but letting this go, or pushing through it, I’m not sure how to do. Why have I always needed to be seen I. This light?oh. Now I see it it’s the same thing. It reinforces my sense of being a person. I get praise, admiration and needy people out of the deal. What better way to enhance ego then through creating a mechanism by which to reinforce deep underlying beliefs? Being a good person is VERY important in my paradigm. If people tell me I’m a good person, then it must be true. How do I create the scenario with this feedback loop? Do good for others. But being demonstrative with this is unacceptable in the catholic tradition; humility and all. So do it behind the scenes. Quietly. Individually. Not publicly. I know word will spread about what a kind, nice, wonderful person I am. And “how many guys are that nice who are also athletic, smart and good-looking?” Nice. I have believed this of myself for a long time. Just another belief. And a lot of energy went into this framework. Okay. I’m looking at it now.
Another subject. Knowing what is True: I don’t know how anything can be true. I am working on the beliefs. But even infinity; it is a concept that can’t be understood by our feeble minds. And it seems most other things require an “I”. So I can’t see how anything will be True in the end, or real or whatever. Maybe going too far afield…
G9
I’m back. Been pretty self involved and quiet recently; feeling imperturbable. Then this surgeon questioned my ability as an anesthesiologist and even said he didn’t have this problem with any of my partners! I popped. Anger surged and I told him what I thought.
Just happened. Thank you for showing me my next real hurdle. I’ve been wondering for a few says now what was next. I will go into that, but sometimes I don’t know exactly how. So my sense of self is clearly wrapped up in my job and easily assailed from there. Damnit! Okay. How do I let that go? Go where the emotion is because there us the fear. And where there is fear, there is the lie which must be understood and eradicated. So I am a doctor. An anesthesiologist. I worked long and hard to get here and spent many hours shoring up my reputation as a good doc – not just by taking great care of my patients, but by making sure the surgeons all knew it. But I did the latter with finesse and feigned humility so no one attributed arrogance to me. Brilliant. And today, to really make it poignant, it was probably the least respected surgeon, the biggest tool among them to suggest I was inadequate. Wow. Amazing. And perfect. What better way to show me where my weakness is? And to show me that I have not yet voided this identification.
Does my career have anything to do with me? The me that has no boundaries; the emptiness that cannot even be called “me?” No. Of course not. It is another layer of ego – of reaction. What am I protecting with my reaction? Something false. Fake. Unreal. So what else do I do? I recognize my reaction as an effort to protect my ego from assault. I recognize, therefore, I am protecting an image, a mirage and something I want completely rid of. Expose it. Let the assault resume and intensify. Let me not resist. Let me stand aside and allow the assault to go on unhindered and offer no aid to the the assaulted. Let the ego be tortured until it cannot move, cannot react. Kill it. I want it exposed, laid bare, so that it can be easily identified and killed. I am now looking for another attack on this part of my ego – the part that identifies with being a good anesthesiologist. Indeed that identifies with being a doctor at all.
G10
I am “with” a woman post divorce who I have grown very attached to. She met all criteria that I had set forth in my mind for the perfect mate. She is kind and beautiful and caring and loves having sex. She listens. And now with my pursuing this path or whatever it is, I find myself in danger of losing her. And I can feel the pain coming. Why is there so much fucking pain with even the thought of losing her. I know I never had her. Why does it hurt so much dismantling the ego? And how do I know that I will ever get there? What if I suffer the loss of this wonderful woman and the loss of my children and the loss of community approval and loss of everything that has ever meant anything to me and I don’t get there? What then? Where does that leave me? Nowhere. A broken man with gobs of sadness and depression and no Truth. That is the most scary of all propositions to me. And I am not even sure what I’m chasing. I don’t know what to do!
I can see the losses coming and cant bear to look at them. And what for? The Truth? Why can’t we have the fucking truth and the love of our family? I know. Love does not exist. It’s just one of the greatest egoic creations. My partner and I came to this conclusion a few days ago. It inflates my self worth, my ego. I am loved. Someone wants to do things for me and “sacrifice” themselves for me. Under scrutiny, it vanishes. And what is this fucking pain? What generates it? What is the origin of this pain? Or whatever you want to call it. I don’t want to do it – it feels really bad. And why is helping people not a good thing? Why are mother Theresa and Hitler the same in this paradigm?
G11
Where am I? You, McKenna, say you know instantly where a “seeker” is. Have I taken the first step? Am I taking it now or am I past it? It doesn’t matter what you say I guess. At this moment I don’t care. Fuck it. I just wish I knew if I was going nowhere or losing my mind.
G12
So no love. Nice. Just figured that out yesterday. All my life, I have been counting on that one thing; the consummate love between two people as that entity that would make it all okay somehow. True love would make this constant, chronic unsettled (worse than unsettled, more like painful scratching) feeling go away. But nothing does. And now I have looked at it fir what it really is. Dammit! It’s just another thing to buttress our egos. That was one I really did not want to face. It is all about making ourselves feel better. This person wants to take care of me, will do anything for me. I must be special. Thanks mom. My mom I’m sure planted those ideas in my head. And she is running scared; wanting desperately to believe the Catholic myths, but knowing somewhere deep inside, or maybe not so deep, that they might not be real. Her bouts of depression and sobbing “for no apparent reason” I can see now are a testament to this fact.
So. My partner and I now know that what we thought was love is really just another egoic attachment. Actually, she is the one who broke though that one first. And then she explained it to me. I knew it previously but had not yet “faced” it.
So what do we do now? Still say “I love you?” Stay together? We don’t know. Except that it seems okay to remain for now.
Shit man. It really does require everything.
G13
Leave every human connection? Completely alone??? I know your words – we are in actuality completely alone already. All of us. But it doesn’t feel like I’m alone. It feels. And what are feelings? I don’t know but I feel them. And I like feeling them. Or do I? Yes. Some of them. I like when my love smiles at me like I am wonderful. That makes me feel really great. I love the way it makes me feel when I get to hold my daughter’s hand.
It is true that the source of my feelings is a tricky landlord. I don’t know how to keep him well-pleased. In the best case, these great feelings can be taken over with a feeling of commonality from repetition. In less than best case, they can turn into contempt to the point of disgust.
I know I can’t know what’s best for my “loved” ones. Indeed, the concept of a “best” is impossible from where you stand. So how do I in some practical way release my attachment to my children? What do I do? Can I cut these emotional ties just by using pen and paper? I do not know the real steps to take in this part of my journey. Please advise.
G14
Okay. So when I see all this stuff for what it really is, what then? It does not seem to always vaporize immediately. Like my intellect (whatever that is), thinks it – attachment to X is not real and just serves to keep my ego intact, but the emotion continues to arise with a given thought. For example, I know that I cannot know my children. I also know that any attachment to them is egoic and therefore not “real.” I have contemplated their deaths and faced those attachments. My six-year-old daughter is sick with a fever. I thought this morning of the worst case possibilities, like meningitis. Immediately fear gripped my chest. I saw it right away and “stepped back” from it. I’m still fantasizing about the future and having emotional responses to something I have already “shone the light of truth on.” What do I have to do to eliminate these, and when will they dissipate completely? I love (egoic?) the idea of surrendering and letting the river take me. I have taken my hand off the tiller, but the reflex to grab it back is still in me. I want to know (somewhere within I seem to know, but just no grocking yet) as you do, that all is as it should be, regardless of what that is is. I feel the wonder and calm of that in my being. But my mind is yet struggling. It’s like I feel the truth in these things, but I have not yet laid down and allowed these waves to wash over me and carry me asunder. Would that it were so.
Okay universe. Next?
G15
I have finished the three books and have eagerly started the first one again – eager, because now that you’ve destabilized the boat, I can’t wait to dive into the water – let you guide me down.
You just said that if you want bliss, etc. That’s great, because we are in the right place. My want is much less than bliss. I just want calm and peace, and I would gladly take it if I could fucking find it! I have lived with “something is wrong here” and “why the fuck can’t I just let it go already” and why is my life a long line of misery broken up by gaps of semi-contentment. It is like I just don’t fucking belong here. Something always under my skin, gnawing at me, giving me no rest. And on paper I have had a banner life! Success after success. Sucks. So I am stuck. I can’t and have never been able to just submerge myself in this life. I got tired of the shit and made a very deliberate effort to bury myself in life – I ignored the voice and drugged myself with work and accomplishments and finally sedatives, trying everything and anything to drown out the voice within telling me it is all bullshit! And as a result intended up married to a nut, three kids, divorced and now maybe, hopefully getting some stuff straight for the first time. Where the fuck were you 25 years ago? Or even 35 years ago? This shit hasn’t made sense to me for all my life. Never. There was always something that didn’t feel right.
So here I am. Always I guess. I hope this fucking autolysis shit works. Because if it doesn’t, I will end up desolate with no family, no job and no home. Not sure ironically, at this moment how that is worse than where I’m coming from…..
Bastard.
G16
Another thing. You say that “you will look back to what you wrote even the day before (in SA) will seem naive (paraphrasing here).
Yet I am finding that I must circle back sometimes. Like, with this concept of physical reality – the lack of it. And myself as a person with discrete thoughts. I know now that there is no way to prove any of it. And yet I find myself staring at my hands and coming up with thoughts about how to to take care of my patients. I re-think about year things, meaning I go through them again and again, stepwise to re-prove their conclusions to me again and again. Because I seem to forget somehow even though I know the answer… I don’t know of this makes any sense. But I have reminders everywhere that I cannot just let this all go and face my death stuck in the mud with no answers – no definitive answers. I shudder at the thought that I die still unknowing. I know it’s all nothing and meaningless. I know in my head now and that’s a relief. But it has not overcome me; become part of my every fiber. I long for that – ego again? Fuck. I don’t know.
G17
Truth exists? WTF? I do not get that at all. Three pages prior to that story of your epiphany, you told Arthur, “of course not!” in response to his question of whether he would ever find anything that was true. Every possible perception and idea cones down to one thing only: does the perceived exist? If the perceiver cannot be proven as an intact entity, then nothing that flows from him or to him can be proven to be true. And I can find no means by which to prove that I exist. So where is truth in that?
Okay, dim lights beginning to appear. The conclusion I have drawn is that nothing can be proven true by me, this distinct entity. Your writing is all about non-duality, a concept which I have pretty much taken on faith (like the pun?), resigning myself to the fact that I may understand that sometime later. Is this that? That I can never find truth because of my vantage point? My perspective? In other words, the fact that there is no provable truth from the perspective of a unique individual, a distinct being, does not mean that there is no truth. There might be truth outside or beyond the individual. Okay. Maybe that’s true. I don’t know because I’m not there. But if it is, then I mist get to this non-dualistic place to look for myself.
So I am starting with the fact that I cannot prove my own existence. Yet here I am. But if I can’t prove my existence, then maybe there really is no “me.” I had this very perception in my youth – maybe about 13 years old, I wondered how it was that I was “me” and not the person talking to me – who I had stopped listening to. That thought plagued me for some time, before I just buried it and moved on, covered it up. Now here I am again, thirty years later. Thank God the Universe waited for me! Haha. That made me laugh. I said Thank God the Universe…. Just struck me as funny. Infinity is infinity right? Okay back to the argument. If there is no me, there cannot be anyone else. If there are no individual people… Don’t know where to go with that yet. I will need to come back to that a few more times for sure.
Thanks for not telling me that in your books – or at least I never found it there. All along, I kept thinking, “quit telling me the goddamn answers. I will memorize those and think I know something that I don’t. I’m a douchebag that way. Okay. So I can’t prove I exist or anyone else exists. That leaves the door open to the idea that … what? No one is here, so it’s just empty space. Or we are all part of the same … again what? Nothing? Something? I need to spend some time with this.
G18
The latest was I had reminded myself how I cannot prove the existence of anything in this existence, except maybe energy. I was there when I started Damndest for the second time and came across how you were dwelling in the untruth of everything when you were suddenly struck with the thought or the knowledge that there was Truth. So you steered your course away from finding the untruth in everything toward searching for the truth. You said you knew there was truth and you would find it. That was your First Step. How did this thought come? And is this not just another belief? I believe something must be “real”. And who is it that believes this? Very confusing to me. I don’t even know what real means at this point, nottdo I know what the word truth means any longer.
I’m looking for emotion denoting attachment and fear. This gives me direction now – guides me down to there the fear is. I shine lights when I get down there to try and get the bugs scurrying so I can kill them or at least get them out.
G19
I guess the Universe took a breath; paused for a sec. I started your first book again – think I already said that. I was acknowledging the ferriting out all beliefs where they are found within me and at least recognizing them for the beliefs, the falsehoods they are. Looking for and uncovering all the untruths. It’s becoming easy to do, dare I say, because before he thought is even complete, before the sentence is done, I recognize the belief.
I asked you how you knew, when you did, that there was Truth. Some thing was Truth. I was mystified and still am that you came to know there was Truth. And today, reading your book again, there it was. What do I know for sure? That life is futile! That there is no point to any of it! I know that for sure! There. I found it. The Truth. The one Truth. There is no meaning to life; it is all futility. This I now know.
But then what does that make me? The knower of this Truth? I have not allowed these two rivers to merge yet apparently. I am nothing and life has no meaning. Somehow this must lead me to non-duality, and already I can feel it itching there; the same as all these previous illuminations – I can see it like the outlines of furniture in a very dark room. They are there, I just don’t get them yet.
So further I go. Come on Universe, what is next?
G20
Hmmm. Duality. I just reread, ” Nothing that’s two and not one survives.” and it occurred to me that in order to have more than one, beliefs must come in to play. If I can’t prove my own existence, then I cannot prove another’s. So to make the step that there are others, requires beliefs! I must set up beliefs in myself at the most naked, carnal level – brainstem level – that puts these particular most rudimentary beliefs out of reach of my mind even. And yet here I am. If I cannot prove my existence, then there is belief involved in “believing” I exist and also others exist. Although I haven’t grokked it yet, I am looking at the conclusion that without every belief; that is, when ALL beliefs are removed, down to the bone, to the core; when all belief is gone, what is left? There can be only ONE. One what? Does that ONE that is left have any reality? Holy shit man. How did I get here?
G21
Well okay. So I have the discovery that what makes me individual, separate from everyone else, everything else requires beliefs. If I cannot prove the existence of anyone and anything, then my belief in individuality must be the only thing that keeps us separate. So does that thought just reside within me and slowly eat away at the core beliefs? I don’t know. I am breathing and stepping away, however, waiting for direction? No not waiting really. Just allowing. The current will direct. I am no longer captain. What’s next?
G22
Infinity. Just because we can’t explain it with our feeble brains, we assume all things that don’t align with it are unreal? Untruths? I cannot prove that I don’t exist. I can only not prove that I do. Not the same thing.
I keep wondering what I really want – your question. I recently reread your piece at the end if book one where you talk about jumping out of a burning building – and the guy who walked for three weeks to Chicago in the winter -leaving a wife and children behind. I do not know if I am in that camp. And yet at the end if some days, like today, I feel that irritation bubbling up again. There is absolutely nothing wrong on the level of form. In fact, quite the contrary. It has been a wonderfully pleasant weekend, most of which I have enjoyed with heartfelt gratitude. Now on Sunday evening, I can feel the unrest creeping under my skin, darkening my thoughts and souring my mood. I do not know why. Yes I do. Because it doesn’t mean anything. Not the mood. The nice weekend. Sitting here not finding anything the least bit interesting it desirable, not TV, not reading, not sex, not computer stuff, not music. Nothing. And sitting doing nothing is still a bit of a challenge for me. The art and act of doing something, of solving some puzzle, serves not only to take my mind off of the negative feelings, but can push me out of them somehow. But just sitting is what feels right tonight. Turning to face that nagging feeling, that irritation within has helped me. I recognize that it was coming from the fact that nothing I did meant ANYTHING. Sunday nights, in the quiet, before the start if another work week is when that sinking feeling of none of it means anything really reared its ugly head. It doesn’t mean anything and I go nowhere. No matter how lofty the goal or noble the pursuit, at the end if it, I was always back to nowhere. Nothing ever changed and nothing ever mattered.
What a difference now. Now I can turn and face that nothingness. I can know it and know that it is true. And that seems to somehow not only make things okay, but provides me comfort somehow. Nothing has to mean anything. It is all meaningless. And that is indeed what is.
From this pursuit, I have really watched to make sure my hand remains off the tiller. Wow, does that help make life easier. Ton of stress thrown off with that decision. Only thing now, I can’t help looking for whats next. I look for my next hurdle and await the universe’s presentation of it to myself. Unfortunately, or fortunately, sometimes it’s so much, I don’t know where to start, or how to start. But I do really enjoy knocking these walls down. I almost crave the next example of my still clinging ego to be shown to me so I can dive into it and really analyze it – shine the truth light on it.
But I keep coming back to where I am going and what exactly I want. Am I the person who absolutely must have the truth at any price? I don’t know. I know that I remain irritated and unsettled, and I know that the thought of dying still living the lie is too much for me to bear. So I keep my ficus on the next task at hand. And it seems like I get breaks. During the breaks, I seem much more able at allowing what is to be. To focus in the journey with much more ease and take my mind off the destination, knowing that nothing that is waiting for me at home, after shopping at Home Depot, is necessarily better or worse than the shopping itself! Talk about a fucking revelation!
I dis get sucked into my doctor character on Friday. Doesn’t happen too much lately, but sure did on Friday. I had to cancel a case because my judgement was that there was too much unknown about the patient’s heart history and we needed more testing. Not always an easy thing to do. The patient has often gone to great trouble taking off work and arranging rides and home support post surgery, and there is no surgeon alive who is fond of their cases getting cancelled. After all, a lot of work for in up front in getting a patient ready for surgery. Nonetheless, I canceled the case and quickly found myself defending with energy my decision to do so. It wasn’t until I was well into that defense that I realized my transformation, that I realized the egoic role I had not just slipped back into, but become. Yuck. I did not like it. I did not like the discovery and I did not like all the evoked feelings generated by it. I sometimes wonder if it’s possible to get to the Truth working where I do. Everyone calls me doctor. But for now, it often does a good job of showing me my weak spots; of pointing out my egoic attachments that still need some truth-light shone upon them. So its fine for now though.
So that “purity of intent” as you call it. I’m not sure how fervently I am pursuing the Truth. I know I was filled with passion in this pursuit back in my twenties. Would have done anything, and did some of them, trying to figure it all out. Boy did I have no idea which direction was up back then. Burt how can I be angry at any of my past or any of the many teachers I have had along the way? They brought me here.
I ask you again, if you ever get any if this if you can tell me where I am in my pursuit. You said you can tell and I’m asking you.
G23
“Try to write something true and stay at it until you do.” True? Define True. What does that mean? How can I know, as you and Ms. Roberts profess, that “I am” or “I exist.” Maybe I just don’t get it. What does “I am” even mean? I know I am getting too far ahead, but I don’t even know what it means to write something true. True must be defined. Real? What is that? I am lost and don’t know where to go. The tree is separate from me. In this world of my conscious and senses that is true. Stepping back (or paradoxically moving in to the molecular level), one can see that it becomes ever more difficult to rationalize the separateness of so much space. So what? I don’t know what that means or where that goes.
G24
Okay. I finished the first book for a second time. I am reading the second now for the second time. Reading Julie’s stuff. This intensity you talk about and she elicits; I don’t think I have that. I certainly do get sidetracked. Especially when I ask where the fuck this is going. And not focusing on the endpoint, the goal, is so utterly foreign to me, to whom I have always been, that I feel paralyzed at times. And yet, this is my immediate mode of problem solving; always has been. Anyway, I don’t know what the duck I’m doing anymore or where I’m going. I tried reason some of Bernadette Roberts stuff, “What is Ego?”. Holy shit. I’m trying to convince myself I understand what I’m reading which usually means I have no fucking idea. I do really like her balloon or soap bubble analogy though. Like a simple child looking at the bright moon – gee that’s pretty.
So the fire. And moving forward. Where to next? I don’t know.
G25
I’m pretty sure this is depression. Its beautiful outside. Sunny. Warm. And I am just miserable. Sad I guess is what this is. I know there’s no point and I’m going to die some day and I just don’t get it. Do I just let go of this feeling? Where does it come from? Why should I mow the lawn? Why should I talk to people? Why clean up? Why anything. I don’t care about any of it. Any of it. I pretend from time to time that I care and enter into conversations but I really don’t care. And pretending makes it worse for me. Makes me feel sick like I want to jump out of my skin. And then I look at where I have always “wanted” to go or be. The thing to save me from all my personal misery: enlightenment. And now that looks like shit. No warm, loving relationships. No one to share thoughts and feelings with. No family. All the things that seemed most valuable in life reduced to nothing. And I can choose to go this way – or at least it seems so. But when I choose to just move along, the suffering always inevitably starts. I just cant let go of the utter futility of it all. I guess I want there to be a point. What’s the fucking point of truth realization? The truth. I know. Will that remove this suffocating pall that pins me to the ground? I don’t want to do anything. Nothing. At this point seems to have any ability to make me happy. Ridiculous because I know emotions originate from within not without.
I do not want to lose my children. I want to help stop the onloading of their egos – maybe they will have a lesser burden at my age than I do.
I guess I just have to “be” whatever emotion I want. This sadness is really strange. I mean what is it? Where does it come from? Why do we have it? Why indeed.
I read today Krishnamurti saying that the only thing separating us from the world, from each other, is our thoughts. Without thought, no separation. And he and you say that one can’t choose enlightenment. It chooses you. How do I let go of my thoughts? How do I burn them up. I am sure it is my thoughts that are causing the sadness that I feel. So how do I burn the thoughts up?
Why do I work? To pay my ex wife and pay the bills and provide for my children. How do I walk away from that? It would mean jail time probably. And why not go to jail? Because I have a reputation to uphold.
I’m going to fuck my girlfriend. That will make me feel better. At least for a few minutes.
G26
What question does my ego not want me to ask? I don’t know. I keep having recurrent feelings of sadness and feelings like I’m not comfortable in my own skin. Like last night. Maybe the question is why. Why do I feel like shit for no apparent reason? What is the reason or reasons? I don’t know. I have an intellectual understanding (oxymoronic statement) of the non-meaning of life. But Sunday nights it seems in retrospect that sinking feeling crawls up from the depths. What the fuck is it? Why does it show up. Why do I create it? Is that the quiet time when the busy-ness of the week has subsided and the utter futility of everything is felt; is known? I don’t know. It’s as if the feeling is independent of me. Has a life of its own. But that is not possible. It must not just be a part of me, I must actually create it. But why would I create such a profoundly sad feeling? When there is no external reason for sadness. Not really. I have a home, the love of my kids, a loving and kind partner a great job with plenty of money. The world of form that I live in is easy and comfortable. But even now, I can feel that negativity, lurking, waiting. Why. Why do I create it? What is the reason for it? To get me to look further? I don’t know but it sucks. How is it that I can create something without knowing it? Two possibilities; I do know it or it goes along with how my heart beats without my “knowledge.” But the stuff that goes on without my knowledge is always life sustaining or protective. I don’t know why it is there. But there it is. Maybe its always been there and covering it up with life has been my drive. Okay. So what do I do with it? How do I get it gone? Shining the light of truth on it? How do I do that? How can I shine the light of truth on something that I can’t see; can’t find; don’t know where it comes from? Who the fuck am I!!? Why am I here? No reason. Fine. That doesn’t help.
How do I go to the root of this feeling? Where is the road. What path I follow into it? I can’t see the trailhead. I just feel the shit that comes out of it. Really. What do I do to find out about this? Inadequacy. That’s the word that just came into my mind. Kids? I don’t belong? Can’t relax. I don’t know the reason for it. But I create it. This is fucked up. Why would I create such a destructive feeling? Why? Does it go away when I ignore it? Should I ignore it? Just do life things; fill my life with life things. Then I don’t have time to think about this sinking feeling. But why. Why am I creating this feeling. Is some part of me trying to tell me something? It does seem like my sense of me is being accosted by some inner demon that I don’t know. Okay fine. How do I get to know the part of me that is creating this and pushing it into my consciousness? Track the feeling back to the source sounds good. Sounds true. Great. Fine. How do I track the feeling back? Any suggestions would be welcome. Stay with the feeling. Maybe. I will try to look carefully at it.
G27
You claim that you can get questions to “Jed.” Well, maybe that’s true. He helped “Julie” out by directing her occasionally when needed. I don’t know why I should keep doing this. I don’t know what I want. I don’t understand the difference between the egoless state and the state of no-self. Perhaps it is silly of me to try to understand any of that while in the egoic paradigm. But how then, am I supposed to know where I want to go? What I want? I know that I cannot stand my ego and I want completely rid of it and everything that goes with it – the stupid sense of my self as a real entity that I need to protect. I can’t fucking stand it – yet there I am, protecting my “self”, knowing that it is made up and does not exist. Where is the sense in that? I want the apparent peace that seems to come with both outcomes. You have said the cost of the Truth is everything. I think I get that. But so what? The everything that we are required to give up is actually nothing. So what does that matter? I don’t know the next question. You, Jed, say the next question will be known to us – the universe will provide it. Yet here I am, sick of the entire matter, not knowing what the fuck to ask next.
So I am asking you, “Terry,” to ask a question of Jed for me. Why should I keep going? And where do I go from here? I don’t even know what the word “True” even means, so how can I even ask that question? Does this all mean that I am just not ready? It is consuming my entire life thinking about this stuff and I want out! At the very least, I must rid myself of this fucking unbearable burden of my ego. My made up self that I keep reflexively defending. Please help me if you are out there somewhere. I do not know where to turn next. My hand is off the tiller. I am waiting for direction.
I tried reading some of Bernadette Roberts’ stuff, but there is too much Christian referencing. Tough for me to see past that. And she talks about how the egoless state persisted for many years before she “spontaneously” erupted into the “no-self” state. That is not what you have said is possible. Is your way the only way? If you exist. I am asking directly. Please answer me.
G28
I want rid of my ego. Every reaction (of course the “negative” ones which are those by which I am protecting and defending myself are easiest to despise) I know is a programmed response made up of thought and emotion, which is to say, nothing, are reflexively shot forth to protect…. Wait for it…..NOTHING! I know I am protecting nothing and yet it still fucking happens! Why? Why can I not let go of the fiction I know myself to be? Is it because I still don’t totally believe I am a fiction? I have gone inside. I know what is there. Nothing tangible. Maybe this sensed feeling of??? I think Freud called it the “oceanic” feeling. I feel something. So? I must need to be defended because I do not yet want to lose me. And yet the very thought of it (never mind the act of it!) fills me with disgust. I think that is a large part of my angst – and always has been. The fact that I am defending something that I don’t know of -cannot see or talk to. That thing inside of me that gets to control the whole fucking show that is me. When did it take over? How did I let it? Why did I let it? I have this sinking feeling that I even knew it in my youth somehow when it was happening and let it happen anyway. Puke.
I don’t want judgement anymore. None of them. I want to see things for what they are without the fucking garbage of my thoughts and opinions spilling sewage all over them. I want clarity. And cleanliness.
You Jed, said – or the universe says – look at ego all around; force myself to look for it and find it and study it to ascertain what the fear is. But I know what the fear is. It is all around me (I work in a hospital). Ego is perhaps nowhere easier to see than in hospitals. Its like an infestation there. It’s not difficult to see – one trips over it, bumps into it, breathes it in just after entering the building. Again, I know whence the fear comes. Its no different than my own fear. Fear of self loss. You say it yourself many times. Its not difficult to “know.” Just how to get rid of it is the difficult part.
Do I enjoy my egoic self too much? Is that it? I am a happy guy pretty much; when not consumed with egoic hatred, which seems more and more to occupy me.
The universe has put two people in front of me at my asking the next question. I believe they are there to show me egoless existence and allow some (a few) questions to be answered. I still read on.
Do I get to throw it off? I hope so. It is an albatross. A deathly weight around my neck. I hate it.
Goodbye.
G29
I’ll at least let you know that this letting go thing, hand off the tiller and all that has been bubbling up some fun surprises. I have an acquaintance who wrote a book called When Fear Falls Away. Not much circulation or recognition, in which Jan Frazier details her first-hand account of what she calls her awakening. It is a wonderful read and she is a writer by trade (does “by trade” apply to writing?). I am not sure in which paradigm she currently dwells, but she sure appears egoless to me.
In any event, as I was asking the universe for direction, the next question, Jan Frazier came to mind. I emailed her to ask if I might ask her a question from time to time. By way of explaining myself, I mentioned your book to her and it occurred to me that my questions might have more meaning if she had a point of reference. So I also decided to buy and send her your first book. She graciously accepted my request but stated that I did not need to send the book as she was not reading much anymore because books were not holding her interest.
I sent the book anyway. I was compelled. Universal dictate. Then it occurred to me that (and here comes the fun part) she might really enjoy your second book for it’s interpretation of Moby Dick – after all she’s a writer, I speculated, and surely every writer has attempted Moby Dick, right. Likely required reading at some point? So I sent her another short email stating just that – that if nothing else, she might have some interest in that part of your second book (of course, my “feeling” was/is that she will not be able to put any of your books down, if only she starts them).
I received a very surprising email back from her this time. Her words, “Just a quick response to this… I did my masters thesis on Moby Dick”
!!!!
What are the chances? Ha! I love it. And now I will get a Moby Duck scholar to opine on your vision – not that I need it. And you certainly don’t need to know her take on it. I’m mostly excited to unveil this gift for her, not that she needs it either. Just seems really fun I guess.
Her last email to me was after receiving Damnedest, and contained the words, “I see” in the subject line with words of thanks in the body for the book. She is enjoying it.
G30
Well I guess I’m staring into the abyss. You say that the only reason to do this is because you can’t not do it. Yet I am looking at it and wondering if I actually want it. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want my egoic existence. It has moments when things are okay, but more and more the majority of time is spent in distress. So I don’t want that. But this Human Adulthood thing sounds good. I just don’t know what to do to effect that change; start that process. In fact, I’m not quite sure what it is. I think it’s egoless but not selfless. Still in the dream but “of the spirit and not of the flesh.” Fine. But how do I get there?
I know now that all my attachments are unreal. Untruth. My biggest attachments are my children and my compassion. How do I burn compassion. That is perhaps the keystone in my egoic support structure. Okay maybe not how but why? Why burn that? That gives people comfort. Okay it’s false comfort and may, in some tiny way keep them in dream land for longer, but they don’t know that. They want comfort. They want understanding. They want compassion. And I’m good at it! Well practiced. I know how to exude compassion. And my patients love it.
So I don’t know if I want to give that up. I don’t know why I should. Okay that might not be true. But is my destiny a life of non-humanity? Just turn away from the human race? Burn all ties?
When I was a child and a teen, I remember conversations in which I drifted off in my own mind and I had a distinct sense about the individuality of the two people. How was I me and not the other? I felt that there was no way to distinguish the two and how was it so anyway? Those memories came back to me last night after finishing your second book for the second time. So I get the distinct sense that all my concerns about letting go of me actually don’t apply once you’re there. The worry is circular and only exists in the dream state. Still, that is no comfort now.
I guess the good news is that I don’t need to worry about it. If I’m meant to burn everything I will not have a choice. I just hope I don’t put off the inevitable… Wait a second. Of course I’m putting off the inevitable. We are all marching to this death right? Just a matter of when, not if? Hmmmm. Shit.
I’ll be back.
