J1
I wish to offer my deepest heartfelt gratitude for your work. I was made aware of the series last year and my life has not been the same since. I am grateful that, due to previous experience, I seem to be able to understand them. I feel the need to attempt ‘spiritual autolysis’ though I’m not really sure how to go about it. My question for Jed requires just a little background. My vehicle is 35 and has been a so-called seeker for 15 years, I stayed single and read everything, and I mean everything. I never meditated or practiced yoga much, for which I always felt guilty, so when I finally read the J and UG Krishnamurti and then ‘Damndest’ it came as good news, in a way – though I realize now that my ‘practice’ is just beginning. Every since I read ‘Damnedest’ for the first time last fall, my “life situation” has turned upside-down, and everything lost it’s appeal. I continue to experience extraordinary coincidences every day, many involving Jed’s books, the works of Aleister Crowley, and The Church of the Subgenius. I know it sounds crazy, but there is something strangely common among these. Anyway, I was riding a wave of mystical wonders last January when I received a phone call that my little brother and only sibling had taken his own life. Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle, et. al. were very comforting at that time, though Jed’s books where better than comforting, they were honest. So for the past 8 months I’ve been in a sort of cocoon, and really do feel compelled to take this ‘first step’. I’ve sold most everything I own and have zero-responsibility at the moment, no kids, no debt, no anything, so I’ve got that going for me. I’m going home to Minnesota to stay with my Dad for a couple weeks and wait for sign of what to do next. I would like to attempt autolysis to this address, thank you for making it available. I’ve been to Wisefool Press before, though I didn’t see a “contact” tab. Funny I should happen to see your email on 9/11. Did you know it’s the day Neem Karoli Baba chose to die? That’s not my question for Jed, I don’t expect a response, because if I was Awake, the last thing I would be doing is writing email.
My question for Jed is, how can Truth-realization be so rare if you have helped a few people a year get there? There must be more who do the same. I have to think that it’s possible. I guess it doesn’t matter, I seem to be being forced into this. I am haunted by Jed’s mention of life possibly ending in tragedy. I have experienced so much wonder and beauty, so many amazing connections, correlations and coincidences, that I want to believe that it is leading somewhere amazing, not just a sudden “slamming shut”! Maya is such a tease! It’s not fair! Should I try to control myself? I am a grown man who bursts out in tears every time I he has a truly deep thought. Aha. I want to take better care of myself, but not out of fear, I want to accept that I could go at any time. “Let go” was my mantra before I knew what a mantra was, or what the owrds’ “let go” even mean, I have to have a chance at this. I find my pathetic tendencies and involuntary reflexes as well as those of all human civilization to be absolutely intolerable! What is in my way? What is my whale? Go down with it… what does that even mean? This is all Doublethink!
The original intent behind this message was to offer appreciation for the series and everyone who took part in it, though I imagine you hear enough of that. I guess I would honor the teachers and fellow students best by doing what I know I must. This “autolysis” is wild, I can’t think about what I think for a moment before it all falls apart. Write one thing that’s true? Okay, I exist. [I stopped here and thought to myself "Am I supposed to just hold this?" And my right ear suddenly started ringing and chills ran up my spine] I guess that’s a yes. Whenever I have these moments, that seem somehow “transcendent” I think of Jed’s talk of mystical experience. I am not looking for a pleasant experience, I am looking for the realization of existence. There is a puffy aether of awareness and sensation, what more is there? I often have a sense of something larger than my own experience though it still just a sense… what does that even mean?
J2
Okay Jed, Here I am. I’ve taken you up on your challenge and ‘let go of the tiller’. I don’t know you, though I’ve listened to all four of your books dozens of times. You probably won’t read this, but I think the voice talent is outstanding. I’ve listened to hundreds of audiobooks and lectures, and the Enlightenment Series is by far the most engaging and listenable. Peter Coyote’s reading of Zen Mind, Beginners Mind takes a close second.
Anyway, I’ve ‘dropped out’ quit consuming mass-produced food, quit smoking and even quit trying to quit. I’m staying with my Dad in BFE Minnesota, waiting for sign of where to go next. I am doing what “Lisa” did, and I wonder if I will do what “Julie” did, in my own way. I have thoroughly studied so many aspects of Buddhism, Zen, Advaita, and Western Mysticism, that after listening to your books I’m not sure if I agree with your views. What your books say may be true to you, but will the same really apply to me? I am very interested in “Thelema”, not for the purpose of manipulating the dream, but for the methods of incremental Truth Realization. I wonder if I can continuir with them without believing the mythos, or if I can ‘self-immolate’ while continuing to work with Banishing Rituals and Solar Adorations. I guess that would count as ‘ferverent prayer’. And here is my attempt at ‘spiritual autolysis’.
Write something I think is true and then negate it, right? I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I know what I think I want, I don’t know what will make me happy. I would rather be awake than happy, really. I know that great happiness seems to lead to great sorrow. I really do want out of the whole game. Not just to escape sorrow though. Am I just lazy? Is that why I want out? Am I a sore looser? Things haven’t worked out the way I had hoped, a likely story. What’s true? Why am I here? Am I just looking for a point to all of this? I loved the “Come back when you’re dead!” quote. I am dying, in a sense. This seems quite true. How do I negate myself when anything I write already feels instantly negated? Where can I send my little toe?
Do I need to process the loss of my little brother? How do I even begin to do that? I’m okay with it, really, I am quite aware that we all will die someday, and it’s eveery man’s right to check out early. I guess I have some guilt about how I treated him when we where young, though I don’t want to have any regrets because I understand that arguing with Maya is useless. Accepting reality is accepting lillusion, right? I don’t want to fight this anymore, I don’t want to try and force anything. I wake up in the morning and piss paradox. I don’t need you to tell me what to do Jed, you taught me that.
So what exactly was the difference between what Julie did and what Lisa did? Why didn’t Lisa go all the way? I am … helping my Dad with his fishing guide service. I think a lot about the Ship / Water / Fish symbolism. I thought I had it all figured out, I thought all of my years of study where starting to enable a conscious, pleasant life. The your books come along and pulled the proverbial rug out from under me. I just don’t know where to go with this. “Practically assailable” ay? Hmmmn. What do I do with all of these theories, memories, experiences and feelings? I don’t need to talk about them, I’ve thought about them enough. Should I draw pictures and write poems and burn them? Should I erase my brother’s hard drives? I’ve “drawn a line” though I am still wondering what “grand gesture” to make, I’m sure the opportunity will [present itself? I really like this. I’ve never allowed myself to write so freely, I’ve always cared so much about the opinion of the reader. What does anything matter if I am going to die? How does one proceed after realizing one’s own futility? Is this autolysis or twenty questions? Did you know that Arabs believe that it was Abraham’s first born son Ishmael, not Isaac, that God demanded be sacrificed?
I just don’t know about you Jed. I love your work and the transcedentalists quote, though I don’t know if your right about enlightenment. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. All that matters is that I seem to be a mindful monkey among many, and I want to know what’s behind my monkey mind. Maybe I should just eat a bunch of mushrooms. Naw, I’ve been there, done that, all pretty lights, all not-real. What is real? We forget so fast, it’s nice to listen to books for constant reminders. I may not know what I’ve really learned from your books, though they have certainly taught me how to think more deeply about these things, and encouraged me to question so-called realty and so-called authority.
J3
I know the books are meant to be applied to myself, and they certainly have been. I’m just curious why you like to jump from planes, yet turned down a joint when offered. Aren’t they really the same thing? Is it just an aesthetic choice, as everything is when approached within an integral framework? I know you covered the ‘easy access’ to everyone, though that’s only integral awareness right? It has nothing to do with the big cookie, correct? Well I turned on at 11 years old when my Mom left for Reno with the Pastor of our church and I stumbled upon a pot field in our back-woods. Should I be talking about my history? I feel like I’ve covered it enough and I feel I am close to accepting that none of it is a secret and that none of it is real.
Meaningless questions, though I ask because Mushrooms and Cannabis have been my path to where I am, and I’m wondering if I must let go of them in order to seriously approach self-transcendence. All I know is what seems most real to me, which honestly seems to be nothing but !desire! for Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll. I only really have had the Music, and I’m ready to let go of that too. What are these currents pushing and pulling me toward and away from every attractive and repulsive sensation? How do I approach these stimuli from a 2nd Person perspective Ok, just as I wrote “2nd person” the audiobook that’s playing said “Second Person.” WTF Jed?! Do these coincidences indicate that it’s working? Why do I have a desire to share my uncanny experiences with other’s? It’s obviously a final refuge for “Ego”, how do I ride this out in the most expedient way possible? What do I do with the magical? Just watch? Breathe? Smile?
Should I keep going, this feels like it’s working. This is a very cool method, a real ‘lazy man’s’ enlightenment. Yet I’ve got to work to make it work. I’m so glad that all of these things have hit me such serendipitous order. It’s like my sense of identity is being pushed to the breaking point and all I have to do is let it break. Words, words are just words. I can;t believe that this is what is going on in my head all of the time. Do I need to shut it up or just step out of it? My brother had Schizophrenia and hung himself in his closet. Mental illness does not run in my family, T. was sick as a baby and abused hard drugs. And now I’ve lost everything and must go live in the room that he did it. With my Mother! This better fucking work, Jed.
