R1
In your last book you said that your journey might have been easier if, like brett, you had had a life threatening disease. At first I wanted to know what you meant by that statement but in truth I know what you meant. I have epilepsy which has made me an outcast in every way. So about six years ago I took nearly 3000 (no bullshit) milligrams of barbituates. So I pick up your book some years later and being prepared to leave this dream-state is a prerequisite and here I sit the cost of the meds alone has put me thousands in debt. I have lost every job that I have had because these sheep think that I am the devil and the universe will not even allow me to leave. My body is addicted to the meds so that if I take too much it can kill me but if I don’t take enough it can kill me.
So to an ex-teacher from a desperate student who has fought and clawed for everything what up? I know that you probably, for legal reasons, cannot answer that, but I thought that maybe you could point out a passage that meant something to you because I need some direction.
R2
As I thought back over my last message I want to be clear about one thing I am not a crazy person looking for someone to give me permission to kill myself. I tried that and the universe showed me that this life is not mine I did not choose to be here and I do not get to choose my departure date. But after years of searching and years of reading about more and more obscure techniques for reaching enlightenment I finally gave up because I was convinced that none of the so called teachers had any idea what they were talking about I said to myself that this is life and it just cannot be that complicated. I kept only two books I Am THAT and Consciousness and the Absolute both simple and yet I wanted a teacher that just plain talked like I did. And I came across your books. I had seen them many times in a bookstore in Sarasota Florida. As a matter fact it is the only bookstore where I have seen your books. I read the first one in two days bought the other two to take home and felt like I had finally found the teacher I was searching for. Then in the last book I read that the teaching thing was over for you so needless to say I was discouraged, but fuck it you cannot give me the only thing that I want this is for me and me alone to find or be found by. Thanks for finally breaking this down and scraping off the B.S.
But back to the beginning maybe I am just crazy enough to walk down this path and straight off the cliff. I just cannot live with the false anymore.
R3
Jed, I guess I thought that there would be a parade or something once I realized the truth. I am sort of at a loss here as to where or what to do next, the answer to that would have to be whatever I want. But I will be damned if I can think of a thing. I don’t really have the patience to listen to people drone on, it is pretty much like charlie brown’s teacher. My eyes are watering and my hands are trembling just typing this because the time is stretching out in front of me. Any words? And you are right who would want this?
R4
This is really the only time I will be able to write this to anyone and not end up in a mental hospital because maybe someone here will understand what is going on. I am walking out of here as soon as I get a chance, and getting a chance is a little more difficult than it sounds I have a seizure disorder and have had for 20 years and although there is no physical reason (tumor, fever, head injury, etc.) I was put on huge doses of anti-seizure meds. That have never stopped my seizures. In fact, the side-effects of these meds. are if you take too many it can kill you and if you don’t take enough it can kill you. My dosages have been gradually increased for the entire time to the point where I am effectively dead now. I have broken bones, I am scarred from head to toe. I have been fired from 5 jobs (which no lawyer can help with because I didn’t catch it on tape) because no one wants to be around anyone with the disease that “mocks death”, the meds have financially broken me, my wife seethes with resentment. So five years ago I said fuck this. I dissolved 100 30 milligram Phenobarbital in a glass drank it and went to sleep, my way of jumping off a cliff, no note no nothing this had nothing to do with anyone but me. My true sense of helplessness came when I woke up in the ICU I realized at that instant that I had control over even less than nothing. I was asleep for over six hours with 3000mg of meds in my system. I took enough to kill 4 horses and they woke me up unfucking believable. And I have tried to function in the amusement park but the rides are predictable, and I’m still the walking dead. As you did, I know that there is TRUTH and this bs is not it.
Now all that I can do is walk the fuck away. I would do this at home but there’s no way that I wouldn’t end up in the hospital and these drugs have to go they have held me captive through fear long enough. The universe wants this body dead it’s going to have to kill it. they say the meds will do it but they say a lot and as far as I can tell it’s false. I have been writing over a year, and with the books I believe that my writing was more productive. I AM…
R5
There it is right where it always was. I wrote to you and I was leaving my house, on my way to metaphorically flay myself. And I sat down and read your notebook. I was ready to die literally fucking die, I am the one with epilepsy who’s life has sucked for the last twenty years. I tried to go once but the universe tossed me back. But so what? I honestly can’t believe that this is it. this goddamn nothing of a thing that I built a monument to is nothing. But it’s exactly where my life was heading this is why the suicide didn’t work because I am here to know this. The bullshit that I have been through over the years because of these seizures. That little bastard was jumping up and down and I knew that this just couldn’t be life, all the fucked emotional beating that I have done to myself for nothing. I still have the illness and so what the hardest part now will be figuring out how to live with all these ego’s around me.
I could have done it without you but this was the shortest route.
R6
I know that teaching isn’t your thing but how do I reintegrate? I have spent so much time escaping that I never considered that I would need to live in a place where I no longer belonged. I didn’t belong before, but I was the same species. Wow this is going to take some getting used to, and I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not questioning being here this is light years beyond where I started I just need a point in the right direction.
R7
Well, I am glad that I bought all of the books and the notebook because last night I realized that I woke up in the dream not from it. But at least I can see now what I’m up against I couldn’t fathom the depth of the layers because the layers are me. That’s quite an under taking to literally deconstruct oneself by ones own hand. But I am glad for the small awakening yesterday because it allows me to view the battlefield more fully.
Time to work.
